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| How Male Menopause Affects Parenting
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"Man is not the enemy here, but the fellow victim." Betty Friedan
The male mid-life is often talked about in general or humorous terms, but rarely is it discussed seriously. Jed Diamond is a world authority on men in the mid-life period, and here he suggests an alternative to the traditional treatment given to men in the media.
"Dear Abby: I am a 50-year-old man who has been married for 22 years. My wife and I have two wonderful teen-aged children. About six months ago, my wife's niece (I'll call her Rene), whom I had never met, came from another country to live with us so she could go to college in the United States. She is in her early 20s." As I read Abigail Van Buren's (Dear Abby) column in my local newspaper, I shook my head and thought, "Here's another family headed for trouble." "For the first few months everything was fine. Now I find myself thinking about Rene all the time. I think I'm in love with her. I travel quite a bit because of my job and every time I come home it's torture. I have to act as if nothing is going on in my mind. No one knows the way I feel. If I tell my wife, she'll be crushed and it will be the end of our marriage. If I tell Rene-who has done nothing wrong and loves my wife like a mother-she may want to return to her country without finishing her studies. I have always tried to do the right thing. I never thought at this age I'd be feeling this way. I don't want to ruin anyone's life, including my own. What should I do?
Abby's response was clear and direct. "Dear Desperate: Although it's common for older men to fantasize about younger women, the consequences of your fantasy could irreparably damage at least five lives. Talking this out with someone you trust would be helpful. I recommend a professional therapist, who can help you assess the consequences of acting out this fantasy." Though Abby's advice was good, I felt it didn't get to the heart of the matter. What is really going on in the lives of millions of mid-life men? How can we help our teen-age children deal with their hormonal, physical, emotional, and sexual changes when we are so confused about our own? What can we do to help families get through this difficult time of life without splitting apart? Based on my own research that culminated in the publication of my book, Male Menopause, I sent a response to Dear Abby. I was pleasantly surprised that my letter ran under a headline for her column which appeared in newspapers all over the country - SYMPTOMS OF MALE MENOPAUSE ARE REAL "Dear Abby, Thank you for the sensitive response to Desperate in Delaware, a 50-year-old man with an obsessive attraction to a younger woman. I have been a psychotherapist for 35 years and have seen too many men destroy their own lives and the lives of those they love because they didn't understand the inevitable changes that go on in a man's body, mind, and spirit at mid-life. I've found that my understanding of these issues has been greatly expanded since recognizing that men go through a form of "male menopause," generally between the ages of 40 and 55. Marc Blackman, M.D., chief of endocrinology and metabolism at Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center says, "The male menopause is a real phenomenon and it does similar things to men as menopause does to women, although less commonly and to a lesser extent." I believe thousands of families could be saved from spliting apart if men and women learned about the newest research findings on this crucial time of life.
A Woman's Concern I receive hundreds of letters a week from women who are confused about what is happening to the man of the house. "I believe my husband is experiencing male menopause," this one began. "My husband attended a training course away from home for five weeks. He asked me to visit during the third week, which I did. It was like a romantic get-away for both of us. But when he returned two weeks later something had changed. I knew something was wrong when I met him at the airport. He was very moody, said nothing was wrong, and wouldn't talk. When we made love, he found it difficult to obtain an erection and seemed angry when I tried to talk with him. Since then he's become more and more withdrawn and uncommunicative. He insists there isn't another woman involved and seemed surprised that I would even bring it up. What really hurts is how he treats our daughter. They have always been very close, like best pals. Lately he is critical of everything she does. He snaps at her, then apologizes, and later does it all over again. She and I both feel we have to walk on egg shells. Clearly something is very wrong. Our daughter is beginning to spend more time away from home. I'm sure it's because she is so hurt by her father's sudden change of behavior. What's going on? What can I do?" A Man Gains Insight Jake wrote me to tell me how he had come to understand that Male Menopause was at the center of the stress he was experiencing with his family. "I'm 45 year's old and have been married to my wife for 23 years. We have four children who range in age from 9 to 19. Until recently I was the kind of Dad I had always wanted to be-involved with their lives, caring, concerned. But something changed when I hit 40. Not since I was a child did I feel such a deep-seated anger and sadness. I would yell at the kids, which I never used to do. Late at night I'd lay in bed with my wife and cry my eyes out. I couldn't believe it was me. I'm a grown man, a truck driver, for heaven's sake, throwing a tantrum like a four-year old or bawling like a baby. I never knew that depression in men often expresses itself in anger. That was certainly the case with me. I was often irritated and grouchy and sometimes would have angry outbursts over the least little thing. I would tend to blame it on my wife or the kids. I know they began to withdraw and lose respect for me, which made me feel even worse. One of the most difficult aspects of this time of life is the uncertainty. I question everything. I have faith in nothing. Even though I hate the way I feel, I can't seem to do anything constructive. I seem to be on a downward slide and I am destroying my family. There are times I think of killing myself. At least I wouldn't be hurting those I love the most. I can thank my wife for helping me break out of this destructive cycle. She lovingly, but firmly encouraged me to talk to a counselor. I resisted for a long time, but finally went to see someone. It was the most important decision of my life. My family is recovering from my "mid-life crazies." I'm beginning to be a loving husband again and my kids tell me that they are glad they have their father back. Side Bar: 12 Tips for Dealing with Male Menopause in the Family
For a listing of health-care providers contact Jed Diamond at the MenAlive Network
Information in this article is for educational purposes only, and is not intended as medical advice.
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